Monday, October 30, 2006

The Day the Leaves Fell

I have really noticed the leaves coming down today. Huge yellow floating hands. The wind blows ever so slightly and down they come. More than any other day, this is fall. It's gorgeous. Of course fall is my favorite time of year. I love the cold and rain. I left Texas for this weather. Although today is very sunny and cool.
The security of having people around on the weekend is gone and I am left doing all the usual things. Except the fact that everyday this week I have to go get a shot to keep my blood cell count up. Total pain in the ass. But it must be done. I feel a bit shaky today. Weak perhaps? Not sure of the word to describe it.
Elliot went poo after school which is one task I don't have to tackle tonight. I am watching Cooper, my neighbors little boy. He's easy to watch because he's so darn happy. Easy day all around.
Anthony and I got up at 6 to make a fire. It was funny because the girls were still asleep. We are such parents now.
I need to hop on this wig buying thing. I feel tingles and wonder which time I scratch, a wad will fall out.
No new tales to tell.

Peace Out

Saturday, October 28, 2006

Better Today

Today was a better day. I have been tired as the poison courses through my body to make me come out on the flip side of this to be the strong woman I see myself as. I have been lining up folks who have been so kind to offer to come to chemo with me. That's kinda fun, feeling popular, special, in a sick twisted way. But what in this experience isn't sick and twisted.
Ran errands with Anthony, the girls, and Amy. Managed to consume about 1200 calories. Kept nausea at bay. Goods things.
I am currently wearin a pink wig while typing and thinking about a wig purchase. Something to keep my head warm.
Feeling pretty good, but starting to smell.
I was going to devote a whole blog to this next subject, because it has been on my mind so much. I need to say something so I can release it.

FFH- fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on ME. So I say shame on me. I was good to you, but once again you decided I did something wrong without ever giving me the option to correct the wrong done. YOU LOOSE. You'll never have a friend like me again. I feel sorry for you.

Whew, anyhoo...
I hope to ride the bike at the gym tomorrow and take the girls to the pumpkin prowl at the zoo in the evening. Not much else on my end and that's good.

Peace Out

The Definition of Irony

I have two definitions of irony. If you have ever seen "Reality Bites," and you should... You would know you need at least one definition. Well, reader I have two.
1. The week of my mastectomies I was doing laundry. I had a few bras to wash and kinda chuckled to myself that it would be the last time I would wash them. They were my favorite ones btw. Well, I was going to dinner with some friends that week and as I was dressing I realized they were still in the washer, so I ended up wearing a camisole, which is what I wear now to keep warm. I got lazy as the week wore on and never ended up drying those bras. So on my last week to be a bra wearer, I never wore one. Silly me. If I could go back now I would of wore it wet.
2. From May 12, the day after I weaned Wyatt to September 10, I counted every calorie I put in my mouth. My goal was 1100-1200 calories a day. I wrote down everything. My friends were sick of hearing about it! It was not fun at first, but it became a competion within myself. I also had a personal trainer. In the end I ended up dropping about 20+ pounds. I looked good, I felt good, I felt strong and healthy. Funny all that healthy eating and excercise never stopped cancer. umph. Here's the irony... I haven't eaten in about two days now due to lack of appetite. Maybe an apple here or bannana there. A few crackers along the way. It's now 3:10 in the morning. I woke up a little nausous and maybe feeling a little empty. So I got out my trusty food journal and decided I better track my food in order to get to atleast 1200 a day or I will end but sick. Now that's irony.

Peace Out

Friday, October 27, 2006

Chemo sucks

Yesterday was day one. I went in yesterday morning and the first thing they did was put in the port. I was very nervous about that procedure, but it turned out easier than I thought. Of course I was VERY drugged up and that was ok with me :)
Then began chemo, initially I felt ok. Before they stared I received some anti nausea medication.
When my second drug began I noticed a burning in my eyes and nose which was predicted. My roommate in the room was eating and the smell became overwhelming.
We got the girls and came home and I slept for a while but awakened to some nasty nausea. That went off and on for about 3 hours. I called the consulting nurse and was advised to take more medication. That helped and I slept through the night.
I would have to say that if felt like I was hit by a bus!! Our friends Jason and Amy are staying with us until they move into their new house in a couple of weeks. They are a saving grace as are all our friends. When they came home last night they brought me a "first day of chemo" gift. It was they cutest hat that Amy and I had been looking at on GREAT website btw. Well of course I burst into tears, as I do over everything these days.
So today I fell a bit better. The girls have been playing at friends all day. I have been resting and I watched "The Family Stone," and I HIGHLY recommend it. It's centered around Christmas, so it seems fitting for this time of year.
I can't bath for 4 days with this new port. I look like hell, smell ok, and feel tolerable. I ate an apple today and a chai tea. Food doesn't interest me right now. I crave nothing. I think about eating and have to consider, what would I want to throw up. Gross but too true.
I hope to keep the nausea at bay. I can handle tired but not nausea. At times I take it minute by minute, sometimes hour by hour and the hours turns into days.
That's all I can do right now.

Peace Out

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

No Kidding

Tonight I went and had Chinese food. It was great. As always at the end, they brought us the fortune cookies.
I swear this is true,
mine said

You will have a new look that will do wonders.

Now that's stinkin' funny!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Peace Out

Tuesday, October 24, 2006


Nuff said

I Don't like the Drugs but the Drugs Like Me

Today is my last drug free day. Perhaps for the rest of my life, and if not for life, then at least for a VERY long time. To me, this sucks.
Chemotherapy does a whack job on your body. It can harm your heart, your nervous system, or even put me body into menapause. But like I have said before, I will do whatever it takes to see my girls grow up, go to college, find partners, and here's the BIGGY for me, see my grandchildren.
Here's something to ponder...
When a woman gives birth to a female child, they have essentially given birth to their grandchildren. Female children are born with every egg they will have for their lifetime. My grandchildren currently reside in my little firecrackers, and that amazes me. It's absolutely wonderous.
I always get sidetracked...
I don't want to be chemically dependant but I must.
Still, the show must go on today as always. Elliot has ballet. We need to work on her bunny costume some more. I have 4 loads of laundry to do before tomorrow and who knows when it will get done after that. Ugh
Tomorrow is a big day and I think it will be long. Chemo first and then they put in the port which I will have for about 18 months.
So I say adios to the old me. I will come out on the flip side healthy, bald, and ready to rumble.

Peace Out

Take Care of It

I am trying to take care of my own shit.
I have no extra time or energy right now.
Reader, if you are a woman I know you know excatly what I am saying here.
There is no time to roll over and play dead, pardon the pun. Time marches on even if your legs are broke and you don't.
I am told, "get your rest, take it easy". Whatever. No one really means that. What they mean is get some rest when it works for me.
Women are the glue of life. I ain't tootin my own horn, because it's about all the ladies here.
We are the care givers, the birth givers, the communicators. We are softer and gentler. Yet I personally think we endure the most in the world.
I have no time to go in a corner and lick my wounds. Kids get fed, laundry gets done, food gets cooked, errands are done, floors are vacuumed, dishes are done. Maybe in a slower fashion, and sometimes with help, but the world has not stopped turning. It's still looked at as my gig, no matter what's going on with me. Just put your finger in a water puddle and pull your finger out. Does the gap remain without your finger?
It's funny, because if I ever do get that small bit of pampering or coddling. I only need a few hours and I am good to go again. But when I feel beat down and tired, as I do today, I tend to get very negative. The pendulum is never in the middle.
Maybe I should not blog after midnight. This is literally the only time I have had to myself today, or should I say yesterday. I feel a bit pissy about it.
With all that being said...I don't need attitude. Do it yourself if I'm not doing it the way it should be done. I have my own shit to take care of.

Peace Out

Sunday, October 22, 2006

An Embarassment of Riches

My entry today is about grace and graciousness.
I am the kind of person who thinks I can always take care of it all. This part of my life has shown me that it is no longer true. You see, I have a posse. Some are near and some are far away, but all of them have not hesitated once to offer me help in some manner. Whether it be helping me with food or getting Elliot and Wyatt where they need to be, or going to breast cancer functions with me, or just letting me talk about it constanly, or even flying here to Seattle to sit with me during chemo, they have a rallied around me and my family.
It has not been easy for me to accept all this help. That is where graciousness comes in. I believe that people TRULY want to help. Because if the shoe were on the other foot I would be there in a heartbeat. I have learned that when someone offers help that I just need to say "yes, thankyou" and let them help. I cannot and do not want to go through this alone. I have actually enjoyed the extra attention in a sick and twisted way if I am being honest with you reader. Who doesn't want their favorite people to be around? A friend of mine likened this whole thing to having your first baby. And it's soooooo true. You get on the internet and read all you can. Folks give you advice or tell you about something a friend of a friend did.
I digress...
I need the help and I think people genuinely want to help. So I will just say yes, thankyou when offers come in the most gracious way I can. I am so thankful to all. I may not say it because I am embarassed to feel weak. I am so grateful for all my riches.

Peace Out

Saturday, October 21, 2006

Making it Matter

All of this must mean something. Taking away body parts. Chipping away at myself. It must all go towards living a healthy, long life. Because if not why am I doing this? I am doing this in the hope of seeing my children grow up. God knows how much I love them and reader, if you know me, you also know the depth of my love for them.
The road ahead seems long but hopeful. Three months of chemo and self administered inoculations. Then still a whole year of of weekly doses of a drug that may give me a fighting chance at a long life.
So it seems to me that I have a job to do. That job is making all this matter. Making it mean something.
I used to work at an organization that served the Jewish community here in Seattle. I learned a lot of things from this wonderful group of people. One of them is that if one person is a slave in this world that we all are slaves. Until all people are free, none of us are free. I know I use them term VERY loosely, but my point is this:
AS LONG AS ONE WOMAN HAS BREAST CANCER, WE ALL DO. Until breast cancer is irradicated, or any cancer for that matter, we are all slaves to it. Whether you are ill or your partner/spouse/lover/sister/mother/brother/father/child, is ill, we are all touched by it.
The word that keeps rolling around in my head is service. Service to help others. So many have helped me in this short amount of time. I cannot even start to tell you in this particular entry.
My point is service for me, will help on my road to making this matter.

Peace Out

But how many corners do I have to turn?
How many times do I have to learn
All the love I have is in my mind?
-The Verve

Friday, October 20, 2006

Wigged Out

With baldness soon approaching, I have doing what everyother chemo recipiant does.....I have been wig shopping. I have noticed quite a few thing on my journey of fake hair.
First of all, I am a woman of caucasion decent. The wigs that are marketed to me are generally VERY shiney, almost shallacked looking. I guess due the fact that white girls should have shiney hair. umph
Second of all, if I have to wear a wig, why not wear something I have always wanted, curly hair. The hunt for curly hair has brought me to this conclusion: The "ebony" wigs seem to have the texture and look that is more realistic to human hair even if it is synthetic. Whether it be straight or curly.
Third of all I accept the fact that I will look like a drag queen for a couple of months and I plan to DRAG IT UP!!!
False eye lashes, wigs, drawn on eyebrows, and whatever else I want to do. Because after all having cancer sucks and you have to find the fun in the most trying of times.
So if you see me walking down the street and call out "Maria!" don't be surprised if I don't answer because I may change my name too, even if only for a short time.

Peace Out

Thursday, October 19, 2006


Shining Star
Little Mommy
Joke teller
Shoe lover
Dog lover


Kitty lover

Bullet Train

I feel as though I am going in slo mo while riding on a bullet train. That's what the last two months have been.
I have a lump.
Get a mammogram.
Get a biopsy.
Bad biopsy.
You need a mastectomy.
I think I'll take a double, thank you.
Get an MRI.
Bad MRI.
Get a double mastectomy.
Painfully recover.
Try and act like it's all ok. (Make everyone feel comfortable)
Have Chemo....

So here I am 2 months later starting chemo on 10/26. Expected baldness two weeks out from that. Titless is fine. Baldness is fine. Dying, not so fine. I will do whatever it takes to see my girls grow up. I will chip away at my body in order to attain this goal.
This is my first entry.

Peace Out