Sunday, December 31, 2006

New Years Revolutions

This title was not a miss spelled word. I hate the term resolutions. No one really keeps them. I think of them as revolutions because we fight so hard to fail. That being said, here are some of my future failures...:)

Be nice
Loose weight(AGAIN)
Eat healthy
Quit smoking(LOL)
Do more yard work
Get organized
Teach my children Spanish
Learn to knit
Stop being bitter
Clean out my closet
Be on time
Stop biting my nails
Vacuum my car once a week
Treat myself to a pedicure every quarter
Learn origami
Stay focused
Stop letting my kids watch TV
Cook more often
Get over my childhood
Grow my hair back
Keep my house clean
Exercise everyday
Learn not to hate tofu
Clean up my potty mouth
Be positive
Paint my downstairs bathroom
Reconnect with old friends
Dress better
When my hair grows back, do not put it in a ponytail everyday
Drink more red wine
Bath everyday
Buy some boobies
Go on an exotic vacation
Kick ass, then take names

Hope you too have started your list on this last day of 2006. Don't beat yourself up too hard if your revolutions are not won. Remember, you can still loose a battle and win the war.

Peace Out

Friday, December 29, 2006

Party Like It's 1999

Where were you when the ball dropped in 1999? Were you singing that song waiting for 2000 to arrive? Perhaps you wish you could go back to turning of that new year? Perhaps, like me, you hope for goodness and health this coming year. Whatever it is, I hope you get it in some form.
We have survived the holidays. We now have even more toys. More toys everywhere. The girls have been very busy playing. The have both had a cold, so staying home and playing has been a good idea. I feel like I am dodging a bullet with these germs. Getting a cold for me is a bad thing. It could delay my chem due to all sorts of scenarios. With only 3 chemos left I am determined to stay on track. One good fever or dip of blood counts could set things back a bit. My focus is to keep away from cootys, finish chemo.
Christmas was fun. We had a full house. We all had a great time. The girls had a visit from Santa. VERY exciting. We had a big meal on Christmas Eve and opened gifts. Then of course Santa left some gifts Christmas morning and we all sat around and ate. It was fun. I was/am a bit woozy and tired. But we made it through. My folks left yesterday and now it seems very quiet here. They may be here for my last chemo. What a celebration.
The new chemo is different than the last. Yet it has it's own set of insults. Achey body. More hair loss (brows and lashes) Bad taste in mouth. Some severe cramping. Headaches. blah blah blah. But I could function better the day of chemo. Three more to go. I am trying to get through under the radar. HAHAHAHA We'll see about that. There's always some who has an opinion on how I should be acting. Maybe she's(I) mean because she's in treatment. Maybe..... maybe the honesty, no bs gadge is working at a very high level. Maybe I never really liked you and have no time to pretend now. Maybe I am not nice and have no time to pretend. Gosh, I just don't know what to say really. I can say that anyone who has gone through chemo is welcome to let me know what their experience was like. That's why I go to a support group. They know exactly what this is all like. They question nothing that anyone else feels or says in the group. There is no- I can't believe she said that or did that. Maybe my harshness will go away when the harshness of the poison coursing through my body leaves. Maybe, maybe not. If you are sensitive it may be a good idea to turn away from this blog. This is no sunny spot in the day to come and read the rantings of someone who is tired and toxic. This is not for the faint at heart. This is not for anyone who may be looking to this blog to find a warm fuzzy poem. This is where I vent and I promise this is only the tip of the iceberg on how I really feel. Also, if you have no great fondness for me, this blog will only confirm your reasons. It may also add a few. I can live with that.
Have a safe and happy new year. Do something fun. We will probably cook a decadent meal, I will watch others have a beer or champagne, and watch the ball drop on tv.

Peace Out

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

Closer To The End Than The Beginning

Tomorrow is my first round of my last four chemos. Did I write that right? I am closer to the end than the beginning. There is some comfort in that.
We still have no power at our house and that really sucks. I am exhausted from not being in my own home and not being able to cook and going days without a shower. J and A have graciously hosted us and I am so grateful to have a nice place to land, but nothing is like being home. Especially so close to Christmas. Especially having to go to chemo and not being able to go home afterwards. And let's face it, anyone who stays at home with children takes the brunt of this power outage. We try and keep kids happy who are out of their element, keeping them fed, entertained, and warm. While the other half goes to their work place and enjoys lighting and heat and no bored screaming kids. It's not been easy and I have had it much easier than some in this area. Maybe I should welcome chemo as a break in the action of this power situation. I have heard from neighbors that they say we may not have power until SATURDAY. I have come to terms with this and it, say it one more time, really sucks. This blog is another bitch and moan session. I should have these pity partys catered.
BTW we watched Talledega Nights yesterday and it was HILARIOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!! A good laugh.
Stay warm out there.

Peace Out

Sunday, December 17, 2006


Winter weather has blown us away here in the Northwest. Thursday night we had a winter wind storm. We have had no power since! The night started out very rainy and a little blustery. As the night progressed, the rain was blowing sideways and limbs were coming off trees. We decided to move our mattress downstairs for sleeping since it would be safer down there if a tree donated a branch to our roof. Anthony built a fire and we snuggled in for the night. By midnight the wind was howling and we lost power. No big deal, we were asleep anyway. Well, the power has been out since then and we see no end in sight until the middle of the week. We along with about 40k houses are in the dark. And cold. We have had it good though, better than most We have a wood burning stove downstairs. It has kept us warm and also fed. We have cooked egg sandwiches, pancakes, nachos, hot chocolate, soup(made from scratch), and toast. Today we ventured out with J and A and ate breakfast out. We found out that ToysRUs was open, so they took the girls to their house and Anthony and I went shopping. I have really been stressing about when we would get this done and now it's off my list of worries. Though the worry list is a little long this week. More about that later...
Anyhoo, J and A now have power and we have been at their house tonight. The girls had a bath and I, a shower. Thank gawd. Everyone had pizza and life is good. As for how the week will go, I have no idea. This is not how I envisioned going into Christmas week. I have a new type of chemo on Thursday and folks coming Friday. I do think we will have power by Thursday. I have no idea what this chemo will bring so I am feeling anxious about that. I hear that it's not so nauseating, yet achey to your whole body. Who knows. All I know is, Febuary 1 does not look too far away at all.
Elliot had her Christmas program last week and she did so great. We are your typical proud parents who think their child was the cutest. And you know what, it's true. She really was the cutest. What a beautiful funny girl she is.
Looking forward, Wyatt's 2nd birthday is in January. I don't know what we will do for that yet. I have chemo two days prior to that so I just don't know what I will pull together. I will be clear on this though, her birthday is not on Christmas. Any birthday gift wrapped in Christmas paper will be rewrapped. I really feel strong about this. Honestly, we don't need gifts to celebrate their special birth days. I'm just sayin, think how you'd feel if someone clumped you in with the closest holiday because it made life easier. Would you feel that they took the time to recognize your special day? I think not. So please don't do that to my child. Send a card, make a phone call, but do not wrap her gift in Christmas paper.
We will have a house full for Christmas. I am excited. My parents will be in from Texas. Anthony's cousin Travis and his wife Rika, and his Uncle Steve and Aunt Marci will be up from Oregon. There should be a lot of laughs. The girls will be out of their minds with attention.
So happy holidays to all. Whatever it is you do or don't celebrate. Hope you are warm and safe.

Peace Out

Saturday, December 09, 2006

Visualize Whirled Peas

Yesterday was my last AC!!!!!!!!!! we have hit the half way mark. I keep hearing the next part has it's own set of problems yet much easier. I have to believe that, because this has been difficult.
We did things a bit differently and I was pretty loaded up on some new stuff and it worked like a charm. I got some sleep, or should I say passed out. My friend Jacqueline was with me and we had some really good conversations and some laughs too.
My chemo fairies dropped me off another gift before I left. Hugs to you both J and A for adding that to the routine. It means a lot just as you two do. Thank you!
Hey, ANOTHER big shout out to Holly and Lynne who sent me a load of organic veggies and fruit. Yum! Thank you so much. It's all being used and makes me feel so healthy. Thank you both so much!
So we're gettin through the weekend. Jacq and I are heading to a wig shop ;)

As for my last blog, I was pissed that someone had the nerve to tell me how angry I get, when for not one day of my life have they walked in my shoes. I abhor judgment and hypocrisy to the nth degree. I may have anger towards you, but that has a deep and full history. That's the anger you might know about me. I have a blog, and if you comment to this blog for the reading audience, and then sign it anonymously, I will call it out. This blog is a public forum. Keep that in mind

DO NOT READ ANGER HERE. Read blunt force honesty that may not be to your liking. Don't care, too bad.

Peace Out

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

You Don't Know Me

You don't know me. You don't know anything about me. You don't know what this all feels like. There is ABSOLUTELY no way you could. You have no idea about what really makes me angry so do not assume that you do. Don't assume anything about me unless you hear it straight from my mouth. You are not in treatment with me. You are not in my house day to day to even have a clue what it's like here. If you knew me at all, you'd know my tolerance level is quite low right now for foolishness. You'd know when I feel good and when I don't. You'd know that we laugh a lot around here as well as cry. You'd know if I trusted you enough to confide in you. You'd know that this blog does not even begin to cover what I am about, what I feel, what I believe, or what I like.
You'd know a lot that you really don't know.
You don't know me.

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

Something Wicked This Way Comes

I have been a lazy blogger! I will try and be better.
Chemo is coming this Friday. I DREAD it! I have fantasies of not showing up. That, of course would never happen, yet a girl's gotta dream huh? My dear friend Jacqueline is flying in from Texas for this one. I have known her for 15 years. We have seen a lot of life together in those years. We have cried many tears but more importantly we have laughed our asses off. She has a little boy named Beck, whom she is leaving at home to come get me through this session. I could not be more grateful. I really look forward to her visit.
Last chemo was hard, but this week I have felt really good. It feels good to feel good. Good Good Good
We have our Christmas tree up. the girls had fun doing that. It looks very festive at my house.
I have a few of shout outs. First of all, Elliot's preschool teacher Mrs Goldie. She is the nicest, most caring lady you'd ever want to meet. When you know that someone truly cares for your children, it makes them gold in your heart. I know she reads my blogs, so Mrs Goldie, thank you for EVERYTHING you do. I am so grateful to have you in our lives!!!!
Next is my friend Patty and her endless support and yummy meals. She's always jumping in to help with my girls. She has first hand experience with her sister-in-law and cancer. She knows this road too well.
And my friend Dawn who sent me home today, after a playdate, with yummy meals for two nights. Gracias Amiga.
This chemo marks the half way point of this journey. I see the light at the end of the tunnel. It is dim but I see it none the less. I have talked with other women who have gone before me and I have read other blogs about being in the middle of chemo or close to the last one. It kinda becomes a bit of a slump, limping to the end. At the beginning it's all so fresh and raw. People gather around you. But weeks go by and the freshness wears off. People have lives to live. It's not that they don't support you, but the shock and awe of it all wears off. Routines get back to normal, yet the person in treatment is just that...still in treatment. I mean, I am sick of myself at this point. I can't be much fun to be around at times. It's a slump, definitely.

Peace Out

Saturday, December 02, 2006


This last summer I read a poetry book by the name of The Sometimes Girl by Lisa Zaran. I highly recommend it. Anyhoo, was lying in bed last night thinking of the things I sometimes want, or am or am not. This blog is in no way aiming to liken my thoughts to the above mentioned book. Just me rambling; as always...rambling

Sometimes I just want to sit in the background and watch.
Sometimes I wish you would just shut up.
Sometimes I want to call the girl I used to be and ask her what's up.
Sometimes I yell at my children.
Sometimes I want someone else to direct traffic.
Sometimes I miss by boobs.
Sometimes I don't.
Sometimes I wake up for no reason and listen to how quiet it is in my house.
Sometimes I want to quit
Sometimes I resent you because you are healthy.
Sometimes I feel hopeful.
Sometimes I tire of you thinking you know me.
Sometimes I want another child.
Sometimes I want to runaway and join the circus.
Sometimes I want to walk around in public bald just to shock people.
Sometimes I wear my hats to make people feel comfortable.
Sometimes I want to pinch you very hard under your arm.
Sometimes I know that you will never get it.
Sometimes I feel like people use religion as a very convenient weapon.
Sometimes I look at my children and see who they will be when they grow up.

Peace Out