Wednesday, June 20, 2007

The Space In Between

I went to "cancer club" last night. I love the gals there. We even went and had a drink afterwards. my goodness it was fun. My tummy hurts from all the laughing.
Someone was there at group last night that I had never met. She's been struggling with breast cancer since her senior year in college back in 1997. She did not look healthy. She did not look well. She's very very sick. She has been doing some form of chemo for the last 10 years. She will be on chemo for the rest of her life...however long that is.
We all spoke of living in the space between. Cancer patients don't like the gray areas. We can deal with black and white. Good and bad. But not, maybe and sometimes. Cancer can feel like the space between.
What is cancer anyways? Does it have gender? I think of cancer as male. I do not wish to share a drink or a meal with cancer. Cancer doesn't have my well being in mind.
Here's the good part, if cancer kills me, it kills itself. I am merely a host to the asshole who has taken up residence in my body. It's gone when I'm gone and that's one less muther fucking cancer in the world. Unless of course...

I kill him first.

Peace Out

Saturday, June 16, 2007

Happy Father's Day

Dear Dad,
I wish I could be with you on this special day. I wish I was with you at every Father's Day.
I love you so much. I hope you truly know that.
There are times when I have felt like you and I have grown up together. We are so much alike.
I will never forget when I was going to my first gymnastics meet. I was about 6 and the night before I was very excited and nervous. You told me that all I could was my best and that was the best I could do. The next day I had my meet. As usual you had to work, but I remember coming home with ribbons. Now, I have no idea the color of them, but I knew I went out there and did my best. I have carried that with me my whole life.
You have given me my warped sense of humor and my courage. You have told me that I was the only person in this world who would never let me down. Sometimes you were right, but thank goodness sometimes you were wrong.
All I have ever really wanted from you is your love, and I know that you have given that to me. I feel in return, I have given you Elliot and Wyatt, to show you what your love has taught me. Having them shows me a depth of love only a parent can have. I know how much hell I have raised and how much I have worried you now. I know even as an adult, you will always be there for me no matter what.
Seeing you sad or worried about me being sick breaks my heart. I want to take all that worry from you and tell you that I will be fine. I want to protect you from seeing your only child in pain. I love you so much.
I wish we were together today. Thank you everything you done for me.

I love you with all my heart

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Not Just Another Pretty Race

This Saturday is the Susan G Komen Race for the Cure. Not to be confused with the 3day walk, this race is a 5k.
This race is more than your average Saturday 5k that one signs up for because they will get a run in for the day. For me and millions of other women, hopefully never you, dear reader, this race is a testimony to those of us that walk, for those who can't.
This race isn't about time and winning. It's about a cure. It's about raising money and awareness. Money that will be used for mammograms and early detection. Money that will be used for vaccines and complete irradication of this disease.
I do not begrudge those who come out to race for a prize. Just know that this race means something to a lot of folks. Breast cancer consumes your whole life and your family and friends. We who have been through it, think about it all the time everyday. All. The. Time.
So see? It's not just another pretty race. For me it is charged with emotion. I will feel honored to stand among my peers and know we share something. Some of us are healthy, some very sick. Some of us will hold our grandchildren, some of us won't.
This race is special to me.

Peace Out

Thursday, June 07, 2007

Vitamin H

Today I had my monthly injection of H. Glad to have it in me. It was a relaxing experience today. No one pulling and tugging on me for entertainment. No one yelling MOMMMMMMMY!
Just some sweet nurses with light chatter. Got to read a magazine and snooze a bit. Funny how I enjoy treatment these days.
Gearing up for the week end. We are having Uncle Steve and Aunt Marci up from Oregon. The 3day walk is have an expo and I plan to drop by there.
My new car absolutely rocks. I'm telling you, I should not love a car that much.
I have loved not having to go by a schedule this week. No school, no nuttin'! Just letting the day bring whatever it may. I love summer. Now if it would only warm up...

Peace Out

Wednesday, June 06, 2007

Not Flesh Of My Flesh

Not flesh of my flesh
Nor bone of my bone
But miraculously my own.
Never forget, even for a minute
You weren't born under my heart,
But in it.