Monday, August 27, 2007
Elliot starts Kindergarten next Thursday. Due to that fact, I have named this installment:
Next week starts the end and the beginning of something.
The end of something.
I am hit hard by the fact that Elliot is five and not a baby anymore. Since she was born I have done my best to take care of her, entertain her, and educate her. As next week approaches, it will be in someone else's hands for half a day, five days a week.
A new beginning.
Babies are only babies for so long. Way too soon, you have to let them walk on their own. And so it goes, my oldest heads to school. Backpack full of goodies. Excitement in her heart. She has no fear. These last five years I have done all I could to make her strong and confidant. Not to toot my own horn, but my goal has been accomplished. She is so kind. She is gentle. She's a little mommy looking out for her sister. I could not be any more proud of her than I am. I know she'll do well intellectually as well as socially.
She's my rock star.
every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end...
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
I want to give a shout out to my friend Sarah. I met Sarah on the my last chemo Feb 1, 2007. She was still in treatment at the time. Bald but totally beautiful, as was I(bald). There was this connection for me. This intangible- I get you, I know you- thing that sometimes comes when you met someone in the same boat as you. We had some laughs, exchanged emails, off we went on our way. Then I saw her at Club last night. I didn't recognize her with all her hair! We went around doing intros and she said her name!! I was thrilled! My homey from GHC. Welcome Sarah! SO good to see you again.
I was listening to Dixie Chicks this morning on the tread mill. I was walking and crying at the same time. Something I never knew I could do. I am quite uncoordinated. Anyhoo, the words really hit me this time. I have heard the song a million times. I was thinking about the line that says-She won't be coming back with the rest, If these are life's lessons she'll take the test.
That's really how I feel. I am different. I have less body parts, I have no tolernace for silly stuff, but I have this life. I am living a life that I didn't completely agree to, yet here I am. Living. I am not a survivor, I am surviving. I am waking up everyday on this side of the grass and that's a good thing.
I have a new name for my hair do. It's my ChoFro. My fro from my chemo. ChoFro. Smooth over the tongue huh?
She traveled this road as a child
Wide-eyed and grinning she never tired
But now she won't be coming back with the rest
If these are life's lessons, she'll take the test
She needs wide open spaces
Room to make her big mistakes
Monday, August 20, 2007
Venting, giving out info so I don't have to tell the same story over and over.
2. Are you happy with your blog/website?
Why, yes I am.
3. Have you altered your blog template or does it display it's original settings?
I have. I started out with shades of pink, I am now moving away from that in my recovery from breast cancer.
4. Do you post many pictures on your blog/website?
5. What made you decide to begin "blogging"?
When I was diagnosed with breast cancer a second time, I decided that I would use a blog as a journal, and as a way to communicate where I was in treatment when I did not feel like talking to anyone.
6. Do you make money with your blog?
7. Do you post personal info on your blog?
Only to a point. It may seem that I do, but in reality I guarded in what I do tell.
8. To your knowledge does your spouse and/or loved ones read your blog?
9. Where do you access your blog? (home, work, library, etc.)
Home, I am a SAHM.
10. Have you ever posted a YouTube video on your blog/website?
11. Do you list the blogs/websites of friends/loved ones on your website?
If I only know how, I certainly would.
12. On average, how many comments do your posts receive? Most? Least(if not 0)?
13. Is your blog a creative outlet? A soapbox? A record of your life for future generations? All of the above?
All of the above.
14. What is the one thing you would change about your blog/website?
I already changed it. I will no longer accept anonymous comments.
15. Would you like me to post an entry later displaying your blog/website address? If so, tell me and leave me a link to your place in a later post.
That would be great.
Saturday, August 18, 2007
Friday, August 17, 2007
When I was a flight attendant, all I had to do is stick a pre-made coffee packet in a slot and push a button. Bam, we had coffee.
Here at home we have a coffee maker that is like an alien that sits on my counter. Anthony knows how to make it, and so he does.
I realized this morning that out of all the things I do and know how to do, I do not want this skill. There is something nice about having someone you love make coffee for you. Just like a peanut butter sandwich or grill cheese. You can make it yourself, but it tastes better when someone else makes it. The molecules are different when made by other hands. It's just magical.
I feel taken care of and pampered when I smell coffee and I am still in bed. I know that my man has made it for me. Please know that I am not a pampered kind of chic. So this one little gesture makes me feel like the Queen of Sheba.
My hope is that all get this feeling over something so small, yet so big at the same time.
Thursday, August 16, 2007
Yup, we did. He was way more upset than I was...Still is, if you need the truth.
Anyhoo, he would NOT stop calling me and bugging all summer. We agreed he could see other people, but I was going to take some time and be alone. It's me, I told him, not you.
I played the field all summer. I did what I wanted, took walks outside. I didn't really commit to anything, and for a while I really liked being so free. But then the other day I got this pang. I felt like I needed to go see Gym just to see if he was still heartbroken over our "time off."
You know what? He hardly recognized me. There where women all over him!!!!!!!!! Skinny, fit chicks! WITH BOOBS! Now I can only tell you this, but I was so jealous! Here I was looking overfed and pudgy and Gym had gone on with his life like I had never left! How dare he! So I started flirting with him and made him realize he missed me even though all those other women kept coming around.
We are getting back together but he thinks it's his idea. Silly Gym. ;)
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
1 I love to read
2 We meet at a restaurant
3 I love to eat
4 I love the gals who are members
5 I love to read a book I usually wouldn't pick
6 I love a night out to myself
7 I love not having to share dessert with my kids
8 I love having a glass of wine with my dinner
9 I love catching up on gossip
10 I love to talk about books
11 I love it when book talk turns to other subjects
12 I love listening
13 I love that sometimes we go to the movies instead
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
4 things that should go into room 101 and be removed from the face of the earth.
2) Cars with radios so loud I can hear it in my house with all the windows closed.
4) People who lie and/or cheat in any form.
3 things that people do that make you want to shake them violently.
1. Act passive-aggressive and then act like they have no idea what you are talking about when you call them on it.
2. Chew food or gum with mouth open and smacking.
3. Correct my children when I am standing right there.
2 things you find yourself moaning about.
2. My weight.
1 thing the above answers tell you about yourself.That my bullshit meter is very low.
* Link to the original meme at freelancecynic.
* Be as honest as possible so people will get to know the real you.
* Try not to insult anyone unless they really deserve it or are very, very ugly.
* Post these rules at the end of every meme
Sunday, August 12, 2007
1. My mother gave me the middle name Gerine. I hated it my whole life and I dropped it. The government knows me as Maria Ewing. Gerine only exists on my birth certificate.
2. I hate seafood but I will eat a tuna sandwhich. You know with pickles, mayo, and stuff.
3. I didn't think I would ever have children. I have two and wish I could have four.
4. The first boy I kissed was when I was in 6th grade. His name is Greg Hammer.
5. I HATE it when people smack and pop their gum. So low rent.
6. I have had 6 jobs in my life. I am not including motherhood. That's the most time consuming...
7. I was baptized Catholic.
8. I love shoes and have too many.
9. I was a cheerleader in jr high and high school.
10. I just recently started drinking coffee.
11. I have kissed a girl, with tongue.
12. I love reality TV, 24, and Lost.
13. I love fall and rainy weather. That's why I moved to Seattle.
14. I have four tattoos. I may get another one. Who knows.
15. I have had breast cancer twice.
16. My favorite color is red.
17. I was a gymnast from age 5 until 14. I competed regularly. I went to soooo many gymnastic camps every summer of those years.
18. I had an opportunity to live in NYC when I started flying and I was too scared to do it. I regret not moving there to this day.
19. I am related to Helen Keller.
20. I do not have a relationship with my biological mother.
21. I have not been to Europe.
22. I have a very healthy self esteem.
23. I like hamburgers, I like cheese, I don't like cheese burgers.
24. I lived in a trailer park as a kid and consider myself white trash.
25. I am a democrat.
26. My mother was abused and I had a long relationship with someone who abused me.
27. I had two c-Sections.
28. I have had stick straight hair my whole life and now, after chemo I have curly hair!!!!!!!!!!! I so deserve it. Cut off your tits, get better hair. Seems fair.
29. If I were on death row and I was asked what my last meal would be, I would ask for chicken friend steak, mashed potatoes, gravy, and green beans cooked in bacon.
30. I think vegetarians should only get to eat vegetables. None of this fake meat, chicken and cheese stuff. If you don't want to eat meat don't try to fake yourself out. Believe me, that crap tastes like crap.
31. I would rather cook with gas.
32. I was born in Denver but moved to Texas when I was 3. I moved to Seattle in 1998.
33. My oldest daughter looks just like me and me youngest looks just like her daddy. You would not believe that I have been asked more than once if they have the same father!!!!!!!!!!
34. I believe an African American man will be president before a woman.
35. I am a really good cook.
36. I belong to a book club. How Oprah of me.
37. I hate anime.
38. My favorite movie is "The Color Purple."
39. Target is my favorite place in the world and I believe they pump happy gas through the air system to keep us coming back. Yes, yes, drink the kool-aid!
40. I prefer a Merlot to a Cab..
41. I do not have a home phone, only a cell phone.
42. I have only broken one bone on my life. That being a toe. When I was a kid I always wanted a broken arm or leg so my friends would carry my books.
43. When I was almost 9 months pregnant with my second child, someone told me my relationship with my partner will never last. I delivered two weeks later and I am still in the same relationship 2.5 years later.
44. I have worn glasses since 3rd grade.
45. I hate passive-aggressiveness.
46. I have done 2 sprint triathlons.
47. I always have my toenails painted.
48. I do not like John Wayne or Elvis.
49. I am an only child.
50. I am only half way done with this and have no idea what i will write for the next 50.
51. I believe that I have a book in me. I seriously think I will have a book published some day.
52. I have walk on the field of Texas Stadium where the Dallas Cowboys play.
53. I am geeked out by swimming under things.
54. My first car was a Chrysler Cordoba with rich Corinthian leather.
55. I love nachos from 7-11.
56. My first job was at K-mart in the shoe department.
57. One Halloween I dressed up as Holly Hobbey with the hat and everything.
58. Frida Khalo is my personal heroine. I had a cat named after her and I have been to her house in Mexico.
59. I have drank alcohol, smoked pot, snorted coke, taken acid and mushrooms.
60. I truly feel one of the greatest luxuries in life is watching TV in bed.
60. I think O.J. did it.
61. I could o.d. on ding dongs.
62. I make the best scrambled eggs on the planet.
63. I had a Yamaha 60cc motorcycle when I was a kid.
64. I breast fed two kids from one boob a total of 30 months.
65. I love McDonalds.
66. Cannon Beach OR is my favorite place on the planet.
67. I once had a jeep. I LOVED that car. It was my dream car.
68. I am Pro Choice.
69. I always wanted to be a hair dresser.
70. I don't really like to gamble.
71. I do not like to go hiking.
72. Since chemo I do not sleep well. My best sleeping time is 5:30-9:00. In the morning.
73. I didn't eat Thai food until 9 years ago.
74. I had a list of baby names since high school even though I didn't think I would ever have kids.
75. My best friend in 4th grade was named Maria.
76. I really suck at most sports.
77. I am jaded
78. I am cynical.
79. I only trust two people...One of them is me and the other is not you.
80. I have brown hair and brown eyes.
81. I am pretty short. 5'2"
82. Diet Coke is my drink of choice.
83. I am not good at remembering to take pills like vitamins.
84. The smell of vitamins makes me gag.
85. I can remember being a kid thinking I was a really good singer.
86. When I was a kid I wanted to be called Marie like Donny and Marie, instead of Maria.
87. I am Irish/Italian decent. A predisposed bitch.
88. I do not know how to ride a bike without holding on to the handle bars like the cool kids do.
89. My favorite flower is a Gerber Daisey.
90. Bacon is not my best friend, but I love it all the same.
91. I love my children more than air.
92. I think sour kraut is just that, sour kraut.
93. I have free life times stand by passes from my former airlines employer. No, they don't always go anywhere.
94. I have a dog named LaLa that my oldest child named.
95. Both of my children still sleep with me.
96. I would take a rainy day over a sunny day, everytime!
97. Taco Bueno rocks my world.
98. I can successfully navigate the subway system in NYC.
99. Coors Light is my favorite beer.
100. Someday I like vanilla, some days I like chocolate.
Friday night I had a girls night with "Cancer Club."
Holy Cow, we laughed our asses off. How did I get so lucky to have these gals in my life? I guess that I had to get cancer huh?
I have a couple of subjects...just ramblin'...
The girls and I went to Texas last week to see my folks. It was my dad's birthday. At 63 I took my dad to get his first tattoo.He is so proud of it. He's a Harley rider and got Live to Ride on his arm. What a biker!!!
I also got to spend the day with my friend Jacqueline and her family while I was down there. Jacq came up to Seattle to do a chemo with me and she will be here in September to do the 3day Walk with me. I have known her since I was 24 and I love her.
We're still shopping for Jesus. I am digging a church a church we have found. The girls really like church school there and A and I like the pastor and his way of delivering his service. We want to find God, not a religion. Here I go on a tangent...
Organized religion is created by man. Man sets up the doctrines. Man sets up the "rules." I cannot stand the fact that a human can walk this earth and thinks they have the right to judge anyone. It makes me COMPLETELY INSANE. COMPLETELY. Ohh I feel my blood rising right now. There are folks that go to church every week without fail, but sit there in contempt of those who don't do it the way they think we should. You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink. They enter the house of God, but are they really there? Living your life as a witness does not include badgering and judgment. My feelings on this bottleneck in my fingers as I want to type them out.
I went to the hospital on Friday to have vitamin H. After I finished I was about to get on the elevator. There were two women there in tears. After we all got on the elevator the older one told me that she just found out that her cancer has gone away. She said she was 82 and her cancer is gone after chemo! I thought to myself... Holy cow, I pray to be 82!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My deepest wish in this world to see my grandchildren and be 82 freakin' years old. I gave her a hug and told her how happy I was to hear that!
Elliot's first day of school is getting closer. The 3Day Walk is getting close.
Life is busy. I have genetic counseling this week and maybe some travel that I really don't look forward to. Necessary evil.
I joined a group called Shewhoblogs. This blogging world is so incredible.
Tuesday, August 07, 2007
I'll start from the beginning...
I met K in November at my first Cancer Club meeting. She was soft spoken and quiet and pregnant. We both go to the same health care provider so we knew we had a little bond.
Chemo does not create an organized mind, so it took months before we really connected.
She had her miracle Eleanor and we were starting to see each other more. Sometimes at Club, sometimes on a walk. One night having drinks after CClub.
That's when I realized what a sly devil this chick is. Don't let the quiet manner of the person fool you. She'll throw down a joke or f-bomb, and you won't know what hit you until you wipe your eyes from laughing and your side hurts.
I will not go in to much detail, but I will say that her walk with cancer is going to take a bit longer than she ever wanted NOT to imagine.
There is a plethora of feelings running many of us. Confusion, grief, ANGER. That's right anonymous...hard biting ANGER. We are pissed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We are pissed that anyone of us must go through this in any form.
When we started with this breast cancer journey, none of us knew each other. (When I say we or us I mean Cancer Club)
There's a few of us that are on the same time line as far as diagnoses, surgery, and chemo. It felt like, ok, we're doing good, starting to look and feel "normal." We each have our own story and now we have each other. We can relate. We are not alone. Our family and friends have been there for us, but in reality, it's our bodies that are fighting, not theirs. I am not in any way down playing the support of anyone, just pointing out that in Cancer Club, we have walked in each others shoes.
My point is this...
K-Dawg, your lung is my lung. Your sadness is mine. Your dream to see your grandchildren is mine. I know your have your loved ones there for you, but also know that you have me and Anna. We will do drugs with you, we will hold your hand in treatment. Will will laugh and cry with you. If you need something ask. We will walk beside you and carry you when you feel you can no longer walk.
Thursday, August 02, 2007
Look at you with your miracle! You carried that child through one of the hardest times of your life. Through surgery, through chemo. She was your reason for hope.
I have my arms wrapped around you tomorrow.
Everything. Will. Be. Fine.
You are one of the coolest people I know. You, with your wry humor and sly smile. So soft spoken and then WHAM! a gut wretchedly funny one liner. You talk like a sailor and I love you for it. You shoot straight from the hip and I like that.
You have a friend for life in me. For a very very very long healthy happy life.
I love you my sista.
As long as one person in this world has cancer, we all do. I am so proud to stand by you!!!!!!