Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Done With The Holidays

I am so glad it's all over.
I am just so so glad. Did I tell you how happy I am that the holidays are done?
The girls had a good time and that's what counts.
As for the rest of it, there was a dark cloud over my house. A bad attitude among us. Oh, there were times I could have been nicer, but all in all, I would have to say when one person is MISERABLE, they tend to cast that on everyone.
I will NEVER NEVER NEVER spend my holidays again, the way I did this year. I am so disgusted at a grown persons behavior. Bridges were burned. They next time I have this guest in my house will be a longgggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg time from now. If ever.
It's just not right.

Peace Out

Saturday, December 27, 2008

This is for the Giffy

This blog is for you Mr Gifford....
Do you ever feel like you are on the outside looking in? And when you do feel that way, aren't you glad it's not the other way around?It's never easy to blaze your own trail. You do it well. I am not always such a cool customer. Yet, I have to say being a parent has made me uncool on so many different levels. Mostly, how much shit I will or will not tolerate.
You're a smooth operator and I am gonna try and catch your flow.

Peace Out

My head is a box full of nothing
and that's the way I like it
My garden's a secret compartment
and that's the way I like it
and that's the way I like it
Your body's a dream that turns violent
and that's the way I like it
and that's the way I like it
The winter is long in the city
and that's the way I like it
-Ben Lee

Saturday, December 20, 2008

Fate Smiled at Destiny

These two are the product of love. So sweet. So funny.

I believe
fate smiled and destiny
laughed as she came to my cradle
"know this child will be able"
laughed as she came to my mother
"know this child will not suffer"
laughed as my body she lifted
"know this child will be gifted
with love, with patience
and with faith
she'll make her way"

-Natalie Merchant

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Moments of Hope

This year we decided to adopt a family from United Way to help them with Christmas.

I have been thinking quite a bit this year about want vs. need. I am blessed blessed blessed that my children NEED nothing. The want part is a whole different story...

I received the letter below from someone at United Way that describes the painful yet wonderful work that she does.

I cannot tell you how it touched me. The impact, for me, is so tangible.

I will not be giving gifts this year (except a few to my girls)

I will not be doing cards.

I will not stretch my families bank account out just to have something in a box for someone to open.

I will not go to the mall and shop like crazy and get stressed out.


I will bask in the love of my daughters and my partner.

I will bake some cookies.

I will make phone calls and tell family and friends that I love them and miss them.

I will say my prayers for love, peace and a long life.

I hope you feel the message below as I did.

Peace Out

Moments of Hope and Triumph

My days are spent sitting on the floor of my office (occasionally exchanged for my

official therapist’s chair) providing therapy to children and teenagers who have been the victims of sexual or physical abuse or other traumas. The children I see have endured unspeakable experiences, and it is my job to help them, in some way, to speak of these things, to heal and to move on to a semblance of normal life. There are children who have been forced by a loved one to perform baffling and humiliating sexual acts, sometimes over a period of years; there are children whose bones have been broken by their parents, and there are children who have witnessed the murder of a parent and held that parent’s hand as he lay dying. The range of these children’s experiences is vast, and too varied to recount in detail.

It may seem as though it would be too heartbreaking to endure, listening to the children’s individual stories of trauma. However, the reality is that although children address their issues in therapy, they do not spend all their time in tears or despair. In fact, many of them seem to have in common a wish, even a drive, to appear and be normal. From this wish, there emerges a sort of hopefulness and even optimism, which can help to propel the therapy forward towards healing. In the process, there is much richness – in the children’s expressions of hurt, fear and anger; in their depictions of their traumatic experiences; in their resolutions of existential dilemmas; in their humor, and in their individual personalities and modes of expression.

There are difficulties in this work, but these do not have so much to do with hearing the children’s experiences: I have long since accepted that these things happen in our world. The difficulties have to do with the children who can’t be reached or helped, the children whose home landscapes are so desolate that the help I provide is not enough to sustain them, and the parents who cannot move beyond their own needs in order to help their children. And there are frustrations, such as the endless mounds of unnecessary paperwork, the bane of all mental health agencies these days.

But, in therapy, there are moments of hope and triumph, moments when I realize something is occurring that is both simple and ordinary, and at the same time, profound and beautiful. What sustains me in this work is the sum total of these many moments.

There are the moments when a child and her mother embrace in tears, the child finally understanding that the mother does not blame her for the horrible thing that has happened and changed their lives so drastically. These are spellbinding moments to witness, rendering me awe-struck by the power of the bond between mother and child.

There are moments when a child moves from the status of victim to that of victor, exacting metaphoric revenge on someone who has hurt him. One such moment is depicted in an eight year-old’s drawing of his abuser, his uncle, behind bars. The uncle reportedly has an intense fear of spiders, so there are many large, malevolent spiders perching on the webs that festoon the cell. Outside his cell, on a table, rests a bowl of popcorn – his favorite food – forever just out of reach.

There are moments when a child arrives at an answer to the age-old question of why bad things happen in the world. After months of struggling with this dilemma, the son of a murder victim, a religious child, demonstrated his answer in the form of a puppet show. In the show, God says “nice” things like “thank you” and “I love you,” the devil says “mean” things like “stupid” and various unprintable words. The human, who is a combination of the two, says both the nice and the mean words, and we understand together that it is our fate to live in a world where people are capable of both divine good and diabolical evil.

There are moments when I feel privileged beyond description. When a distressed teenager hands me her poems, poems about her innermost feelings, born of anguish and despair, I feel I have been entrusted with something more priceless than a medieval manuscript. When children present me with drawings about the therapy itself, I realize I have been given something important and special. These drawings are sometimes of the two of us – drawings in which we hold hands, or perhaps we are piloting a boat with our fishing poles extended from the stern, cruising through serene, tropical seas in which no sharks will ever live. With all these gestures of trust, I’m not sure what I have done to inspire such an honor, but I suspect it’s as simple as the fact that I have taken the time to listen, to respect, and to support. At these times, I realize I have intersected with a young person at a critical juncture, and I have, for a while, accompanied that person on a life-affirming voyage.

And, finally, there are the ultimate golden moments (tinged with some sadness for me), the moments toward which the trajectory of therapy has been leading, when it becomes apparent a child is ready to leave therapy and move along life’s path, no longer needing me to lead or to follow.

Monday, December 08, 2008

Not Feeling It

Today is the 8th of December and I have yet to put up my Christmas stuff.
I just am not feelin' it this year. I am not looking forward to stress of the next couple of weeks. I am feeling a bit hum buggy about it all.
Maybe I need to listen to a bunch of holiday music and watch every holiday show I can. DVR the ones I miss.
I just don't know.
I'm not feeling it.

Peace Out

Monday, December 01, 2008

To Sir With Love

Dear Sir:
You are on the good vibe wheel today. I will be thinking B9!!!!!!!!!!!

Peace Out