Thursday, March 31, 2011

Day 2

I have this friend....No really, I do have a few folks who will actually claim to like me.
I have this friend who I will call Mona in this partic blog, to keep her identity safe.
I have known Mona since I was 23 years old. She is awesome. I don't see her or talk to her nearly enough, but when I do we never miss a beat. She makes me laugh so hard I get a stomach ache!
In our wild 20's we were part of a small group of people who thought our shit did. not. stink. And you know what? Mine may stink now, but it didn't back then.
We were wild. We didn't care who thought what. We did whatever we wanted. We wore whatever we wanted. We danced, drank, and said, whatever we pleased. It was good to be us. The best part was, we had real jobs that afforded us this lifestyle.
There was a brief time we lived together.
There was a great story about her drunk boyfriend peeing on her back while in a stooper.
There was broken hearts.
And then we grew up. Our small tribe did not stick together. Yet, Mona and I have always been a phone call away.
Mona lost a baby in the very late stages of a pregnancy. My phone rang at 9:00 on a Sunday morning. Not exactly a time I would be talking to her. She called to tell me of her heartbreak and we cried.
I called her when I had my second round of breast cancer. She said what can I do? I asked her to come to a chemo with me. And she did after rearranging her entire life, to fly up here to Seattle and sit with me. She was with me when I bought my first wig.
Then when I decided to do my first 3 day breast cancer walk, who do you think walked beside me? Yup, Mona.
These days Mona has a HILARIOUS little boy. She's married. She's still funny as shit. That girl can make me laugh. She is bold and true. She has loved me with out condition for 20 years. I always forget her birthday and still, she loves me.
I love you Mona. I am a lucky girl to have you in my life.
The heart remembers.

Peace Out

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Day 1

I have a 11 year relationship that is over. So over. Done.
Another personal failure.
Please do not take sides on this. This train wreck is not about sides.
It was never an easy relationship.
I met him playing soccer. He was playing forward and I was sucking ass playing defense. Actually I only saw him playing. I met him the next week at work when I went and introduced myself to him. Lawdy, I thought...what a beautiful human. He was quiet, which I took for shy. But now many years and tears later, I have taken his silence as a wall I could never climb over.
I am verbal and emotional and hot tempered, so you maybe you can see how it was never gonna be easy.
I loved him to the moon and back. I loved him. I really really loved him. I wanted to get married for many years. I am the mother of his children. I wanted to be his wife. I loved him.
All couples go through ups and downs. I know this. Having children is an up. Having cancer is a down.
Inlaws and outlaws that never really supported us didn't help. Speaking in hushed tones and gossiping is not the way to promote family. If one REALLY cared about children, then one would do anything in ones power to support the parents of said children. Some members of his family do not care for me, nor I for them. As for my folks, they do what they have always done in my life, they just stop talking to me, forsaking their own grandchildren. We're all fucked up huh?
Subtle shifts in personal growth don't always bring couples closer. A crack in the foundation of an already shifty terrain can leave each person standing on opposite sides of the chasm. And that's where we are. Standing facing each other pointing fingers.
Somedays I yearn for days gone by. But even those days were not rainbows and butterflies.
Now we are trying to build a friendship that was never really there. We have to. We have kids. It's so hard. Trust is broken. I will never be his wife. For my sanity, I need to have a peaceful, if not friendly, relationship with him.
So there, I have outed the elephant in the room.
Day 1 is a doosey for me.

Peace Out

Thirty Days of My Crap

I have heard it done before.
Thirty days in a row of blogging. Thirty days of mental vomit typed out on a keyboard. keyBOARD. Will this gain me a reader or two? Will this loose me a reader or two? Does it matter?
I'm gonna do it.
I have been inspired by many a blogger before me.
My life is not the easiest right now so there may be a lot of crappy, pity party stuff on here. I will try to lay off the- oh poor me- show as much as possible. I always love a party, especially when I get to
Hang I go.

Peace Out

Thursday, March 17, 2011

3 Sides To Every Story

Must I do this so publicly?
Sometimes bloggers feel the need to spill their guts on their blog. I think we think no one ever reads our blogs, so we vomit all our emotions onto a keyboard hoping for some emotional relief.
I have read it and I have done it.
I try though, I really try not put put gory details on here. Ohhhhhh I want to. Believe me. I want to spill it. I want to purge.
There 3 sides to every story. His side, Her side, and the truth. Don't believe all the gossip because the truth is much more interesting.
My blog has been a source of communicating. I have written about cancer and getting through it. I have rambled silly stuff.
Now as I see the end of my relationship with the father of my children, it's hard not to type all my emotions. Or what I feel is my side of the story. Eleven years of story. But that's not really fair.
At this point of an ending , most couples would no longer live together. Yet we do. By the time I move out, it will be eleven years almost to the month.
No matter where I am going and what goodness my future holds, it's hard. I have had babies while living in this house. I have had some of the best and worst times of my life in this house. I had cancer in this house. I have laughed and cried in this house. It has sheltered me and my children. Kept us safe and warm.
So not to blog about this transition of my life is very difficult.
I try...I try

Peace Out

Tuesday, March 08, 2011

Weapons of Mass Destruction

They can build you up. They can tear you down. They can start and end wars.
Words of love.
Words of hate.
Words, unlike bruises and scars, are not seen after said. Words can remain ringing in your ears long after said. They can shape us by the inside out. Positive or negative.
Words can be typed and written. Physical touch, good or bad, is gone after the connection. But words can be read over and over again. They can be heard again if recorded, or they can roll around in your head like rocks.
Just like bombs, the can be weapons of mass destruction.

Peace Out

Wednesday, March 02, 2011

Driving Ms. Crazy

Ahhhhhhh, the modern family. The blended family.
His/Mine/Hers/Theirs/Ours. One big happy family.
It's quite a goal to accomplish. In this Brady Bunch type world. No one ever really came out and said if Mike and Carol were divorced or widowed from their first partners. Hell, maybe neither were ever married!!!!!!!!!!!!!! No one ever thought about that in those days.
Mike and Carol never had to deal with "ex's" They never had to make sure schedules worked for all parties involved. They didn't have to hold their tongue in tense times to keep the peace. They didn't have to watch their ex do kind things that were never done for them. They didn't have to argue over money and what was due the other one.
Mike and Carol got off scott free from ever having to deal with the other ones ex. Makes me wish I were in a sit-com. But I am not. I deal with real life issues just you do, dear reader. I struggle over trying to have someone see my worth that they never really saw. Whether it be monetarily or has a mate and a mother. I struggle with seeing all the affection and appreciation that I yearned for, given to someone who has not even been around a year.
Am I blameless? Hell no.
So am I crazy? Yup, somedays I am. But ya'll already knew that, huh?

Peace Out