Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Day 23

Dear Ebay,

You are a vixen. A little minx. A tease.
I come to you every night whispering my words of desire. You show me all I could have in this world and in the last 2 minutes you pull the rug out from under me. And you know what? I know I am not alone in this yearning for you! You have millions, just like me who dare to tell you all their secrets, only to be left empty handed. sigh......
There are others how try to copy you in some fashion. I gave Craigs List a shot but it just didn't have the bells and whistles that you do. You with your slick looking dream catchers. Technicolor desires. I hate you! I love you! I hate you! I. Cannot. Live. With. Out. You. and you know it! damn you!
I'm gonna quit you smarty pants Ebay! I will if it's the last thing I do, right after I tell you about my dream of a new camera....

Peace Out

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Day 22

Well, Easter weekend and a cold got the better of me and I have dropped the ball on 30 days of blogging. If you don't mind, I think I will start back up where I left off....

I don't think that a day goes by that I don't think about dying. I have blogged this before.
I, in a round about way, knew someone who died recently. He knew he was dying, and choose the date of his death.
There is a program called Dying with Dignity. It covers a wide area, such as getting your things in order, financial and what you can of the emotional. It is not a suicide pact of any kind. A person who would look into this would be terminally ill.
I am torn....
Would my ego and gumption keep me from doing this? Would there be a spark somewhere inside of me that still felt hope? Or would I accept my plight and try to say all my goodbyes? Write letters to my children. Apologize to those I hurt and cuss out those who hurt me? Would I be fierce to the end or a lamb of grace?
Like I said, I am torn.
I will say this, today I am not ready for anything other than living. Seeing my children grow up and holding my grandchildren.
When people say to me, OH! You're a cancer survivor! I say no, I am SURVIVING.
The day I hold my grandchild, I will be a survivor. Until that day happens, and I've got my eye on the prize!

Peace Out

Peace Out

Friday, April 22, 2011

Day 21

1. Diet Coke, Coors Light, and Funyuns are my weakness! Yes I am a hick.
2. I have had breast cancer twice.
3. I never thought I would have children. Now I have 2.
4. I love to cook and I am really good at it.
5. I hate it when people smack their gum. So low rent.
6. I have kissed a girl, with tongue.
7. My favorite color is red.
8. I prefer a Merlot to a Cab
9. Frida Khalo is my personal heroine.
10. I think O.J. did it.
11. I am jaded and cynical.
12. I love my children more than air.
13. I can successfully navigate the subway system in NYC.
14. I hate anime.
15. I love shoes.
16. I could eat Thai food everyday.
17. I think one of the greatest luxuries in life is watching tv in bed!
18. I think vegetarians should only get to eat vegetables. None of this fake meat, chicken and cheese stuff. If you don't want to eat meat don't try to fake yourself out. Believe me, that crap tastes like crap.
19. I belong to a book club. How Oprah of me.
20. I have done 2 sprint triathlons, and 2 60 mile 3 day walks.
21. I prefer to be very direct and honest. Sometimes blunt.
22. I could o.d. on ding dongs.
23. Cannon Beach OR is my favorite place on the planet.
24. I only trust two people...One of them is me and the other is not you.
25. I think I can be very charming and funny.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Day 20

I went to high school with this girl. We weren't really friends. I was more friends with her brother. I actually felt like she never cared for me. We were in the same grade and her brother was a year ahead of us. Let's call the brother Dick and the sister pun intended with the bro's name!
I distinctly remember having a beer with Dick the day that Jane gave birth to her son. We were with a group of people and I knew he had just come from the hospital, where he had met his nephew for the first time. We were all having beers, but Dick seemed quiet. Just not quite himself and certainly not the happy new uncle! I leaned over and asked him if he was ok. I remember his pause and then his eyes watered as he told me Jane's newborn boy had Down's syndrome. He then he sat there quietly and finished his beer and left.
As a reminder, I had not seen Jane since high school, yet I was deeply saddened by the news.
This was many years before I had my own children and the invention of facebook that has magically reconnect the entire world.
Fast forward to present day, the days of facebook.
I am now friends with Jane on fb, after many years. I really had thought about her and her son from time to time through the years. Especially at a time when doctors thought my youngest child may have a form of Down's, which I will add, she does not.
Yesterday she posted a picture of this beautiful child standing outside waiting for rain.As I stared at the picture and his smiling face I thought of how the ugliness that this world can sometimes have, will for the most part, never effect him. Oh I am sure he has hard days and so do his parents. But I am willing to bet he is happy. I bet he has joy most of his days. You can see it in his eyes in all the pictures she posts. You can tell by the updates Jane gives how he loves big dog licks and loves to go out to eat.
I envy his innocence. I envy his freedom. When I say freedom I mean, freedom from a world that is not always kind.
Jane was made to be this child's mother. I have no idea if she feels that way, but I can tell in her writings about him. He is a very lucky boy, and she a blessed mother.

Peace Out

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Day 19

Once upon a time there was a girl who had three fabulous friends. They were young and fun. They loved to do lunch and lay out and go to bars at night and hear music. This was before the days of cell phones and computers. They loved mini dinner parties. They were finding their way in the world.
If only I could run the reel of our times together over and over in my mind.
We are now "grown ups" doing grown up things. We live in different states.
I think back to a night in a parking lot of a bar we had closed down. We were all drunk and talking. We had had such a fun night. It was perfect under the summer stars. Out of the blue I thought to myself and said out loud.....
It will never be like this again. If I could take back those words today I would! But time does not stand still. And it never was the same....
These three people had a huge hand in forming me as an adult. I will forever be grateful and happy for the awesome times we had together.

Peace Out

Monday, April 18, 2011

Day 18

There was a person who once stayed in my house for an extended period of time. It was not a pleasant stay and it ended quite badly.
Lies were told, trust was broken, and things were never the same.
When they stayed at my home, I never felt comfortable if I left the house and they were alone. I felt watched and snooped upon. I had no clear evidence of this, but I could not shake the feeling.
One summer evening, I went out with my family and this person was alone in my house. I came home, nothing was unusual, just the same awkward strain as always and I went to bed.
I come to find out the next day that this person went into my bed room and proceeded to read my journal. The excuse was that they needed a book to read....Funny, I thought, there is an entire bookshelf downstairs with more than one hundred books on it. Why go into my room? WHY GO INTO MY ROOM? That's my private place. No one should go in there with out permission. What the hell?
I could not give a shit what was read. I knew exactly what I had written. My journal was a place for me to vent rather than giving this individual a smack down. It was sometimes the only place I could go to calm down.
There is NO excuse, there is NO explanation that will ever make it ok that this person did that. Even if they thought I was a terrorist, which I am not. I think this person thought it was alright. I really do. I think they thought they were untitled...out of worry.
Needless to say things got very ugly and that was the end of that.
Except it wasn't....
This person went to others and told the to watch out for me. I wasn't who they thought I was. I wasn't the person I showed myself to be. Because of what I had written. What I had written was only about the house guest and no one else. I am, guessing they didn't tell anyone that. I bet donuts to dollars they never said they were snooping.
Things were never the same. Not only between me and the visitor, but also many other folks.
And if by chance you are reading this, and you think to your self.....that's not a true story!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I promise you it is. You just only heard one side of it.

Peace Out

Sunday, April 17, 2011

Day 17

A letter to me at 19

Dear Maria,
Break up with him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Seriously he's not worth it. You're smart to always tell him no when he talks about getting married. You don't end up with him anyway. You don't end up with anyone great few quite a few years.
You should wash your face every night. You'll be happy you did later in life.
Don't worry about your body. Be glad you're healthy, because your'e going to have some rough patches in that department. You'll get through it, but you'll be changed in ways I can't articulate right now. Trust me though, you'll be ok.
I know right now you do not believe you will ever have children. You will, two girls that you will love more than air. Crazy huh?
You'll love men who don't love you and there will be men who love you that you won't be able to love back. Even with that being said, you'll do just fine.
You will not live in Texas your whole life.
You will have a job that will let you travel and see the world. It will be more valuable in shaping who you are, than any book education. You will have a passion for traveling that will last your whole life.
You will live in your dream home.
Your relationship with your parents will always be rocky. It is what it is. Don't beat yourself up over it.
You will actually teach yourself to cook and love it.
This is what I know right now. Use it as you will. Just remember, love yourself and the rest will follow.

Peace Out

Friday, April 15, 2011

Day 16

I love to travel!!!!
I was reminded today how much I love it.
I took a ferry this morning over to a saweet island here in the Seattle area. As I waited in the terminal I sat and people watched.
One of the things I love most about travel is going in the same direction as a group. No one knows each other. Maybe a family here and there but for the most part traveling is silent. Especially when I travel alone. When I travel by myself, I can make the choice if I connect with others. I am not a shy or quiet person, but sometimes to be able to sit very still with my own thoughts, yet still be around others, is awesome to me.
Traveling gives me a sense of how we are all connected.
Very soon I am going to Cabo. In early 2012 I am going to Thailand again. But to be honest, today gave me tons of satisfaction and will hold me over until I am Mexico bound. If I get itchy feet before Thailand, I think I will just jump on a ferry and feed my need for adventure.

Peace Out

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Day 15

This day will be very simple.
Happy birthday Dave!!!!!
I hope you have a great day. You are an awesome friend,husband, and dad!
May 39 be a banner year. Here's to future good times.
Cheers! Maria

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Day 14

Excuse me.....Do I know you? You look so familiar to me!
Seriously, do you know me? Or only know what you've heard about me? Or only know what I choose for you to see?
I was thinking about how well a person knows another.
When we give birth to our children, we know their every move, cry, giggle. They are a complete open book. They have yet to learned to hide. Yet there does come a time they develop their ownness. They figure out what society will accept. They figure out how to keep secrets.
So by the time we become adults and have partners, we have learned very well how to hide the face behind the mask. We want to be loved, so we keep the darkness hidden...sometimes.
Granted, not all are like me. I have a dark side. I have a side that is not so cute.
Currently in my life, there is a person that does not know me really at all. They only know what they have been told and also what they have seen of me on our very few encounters.
Sometimes I want to jump up and down and shout-YOU ONLY KNOW HALF OF THE STORY. If even that much. I did not make a choice for this person to be in my life. And to be honest I know very very little about them. We circle each other tentatively. I have much knowledge that would help this person but it is not for me give out.
So I keep silent. And in the end we are no closer to knowing each other better than we did when we had no idea the other one existed.
It's such a slippery slope. We just don't really know one another and may never. I have no idea at this point.
My question is, who do you feel really really knows you? Who knows the side that you hide? Who is the person you really know?
Think about it....

Peace Out

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Lucky 13

I used to be a flight attendant. Many moons ago. Part of our training was customer service. Talking to the public. Being appropriate and unoffensive. Even if the passenger was a complete asshole.
You know the drill, keep topics neutral. Do not talk about sex, religion, or politics.
I suppose it was easy enough. Plus I was pretty young and had few views other than what was my favorite beer.
Now these days, I have quite a bit to say, though most of it is bullshit.
The three forbidden topics are still a constant. People want to push their agenda on others. They want you to think they way think. And if you don' are wrong. Or even worse, going to hell.
Luckily I live in a country that allows me to think whatever I want and act upon it with in the law.
Which now brings me to the topic of my blog:
Religion. Ewwwwwwwwww-what a dirty word.
Lack of religion. Ewwwwwwwwwww-what a dirty concept.
No matter what side of the fence you are on, it is an age old argument. All three topics are on the news and every social network in the world. I may be quite unpopular on this one, but I don't want to see your cause on facebook. I go to FB to waste time, not read you bashing politicians or quoting scripture. Aren't there better places for that? Why ram it up others noses until they unfriend you?
I, particularly, cannot tolerate anyone pushing religion on me...OR MY CHILDREN. People use religion as a weapon to make others conform. Wars are fought over religion. People are killed.
What blows me away is the judgement that humans put upon other humans. As if they live a life of sinlessness. What a crock of shit.
I know a person who is like this. We all do. Instead of a life filled with love and family, this person completely alienates their family and others, with their judgement, and then cries about it. This person is difficult for others to be around. I am constantly amazed and not in a good way.
I mean seriously, what's the golden rule that we were supposed to learn in school?
Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.
Hmmmmmm ok.
Let's all remember that. Because we all want to the right to our own opinions, beliefs, and sexual preferences.

Peace Out

Monday, April 11, 2011

Day 12

Never ask a lady how old she is or how much she weighs. At least that's what they say.
But seriously, will those two facts really matter when we take our last breath here on earth. Will it matter what your dress or pant size is while laying in a coffin? I think not.
Here's the thing. People spend millions of dollars on weight loss. That's not really the subject of this blog though.
The subject is really about how we feel about ourselves. It's about self acceptance. Do you like yourself just way you are? Well you should. What good does it do any good not to? Do you have female children? What kind of message do you send to them if they hear you talk about how fat you feel or think you are?
I really really think about it. I make a huge effort that my girls never hear me talk disparagingly about myself. Especially with the fact that I have no breasts and have chosen not to change that. When I made the decision not to reconstruct my breast after a double mastectomy, my children played a huge role in that. At the time they were too young to know any different. That is starting to change the older they get. When they enter puberty and start to develop, they will do so with a mother that has no breasts. I will tell them it doesn't matter, because my self worth is not tied up in that. Also with that last statement I each his own. We all have choices to make.
So I try my best to love myself as I am. Lumps in the wrong places, and bumps that gravity has taken control of.
I want my girls to embrace the differences in their bodies, and others. None of us are perfect. Not even the gals in magazines.
Love yourself. Accept yourself!!!!!!!!!!!! You're perfect just like you are!

Peace Out

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Day 11

Before I begin this blog, I need to clear up my days here. I blogged on Friday but for some reason it didn't post until Saturday. I didn't blog yesterday and now I am today. I goofed but I am still trying to stay on track.

This is my cat Diego. He is 16 years old. He has been with me since I lived in Texas in 1995. We have seen good times and bad times. He has loved me without condition. He has snuggled with me when I have been sad or sick.
These days Diego has slowed down quite a bit. In this picture he was only about 9. Full and healthy. A 20 pounds cat when he was at his prime. Never fat, mind you, just big.
He has moved everywhere with me. He sat on the dashboard of a moving truck for three days when I moved from Texas to Seattle. He has been through children pulling his tail and dogs invading his space. He has lost his kitty sister, Frida, 5 years ago.
These days he is an old man. He walks slow and limps up and down the stairs. He sleeps more than usual and has a hard time breathing. I know his days are coming to and end and it breaks my heart to know I will looses a dear friend soon. His quality of life is good. He takes no meds nor needs any special handling. I know the day will come when that is no longer true and I will need to make the very very hard decision...
Until that day, we will snuggle a little more. I will give him all the petting he desires.

Peace Out

Friday, April 08, 2011

Day 10

The liquid lunch. LL. One of my favorite weekday escapes. Not every week day. Not every week. In this picture...2 jalapeno margaritas. Delish! I only LL with certain people. LL is when two moms get together while all the kids are in school. We chat with no interuptions. No one tugging on us. No one saying the same thing over and over and over and over and over. LL feels so decedant in the middle of the day. If more people did LL there would be less war in the world. It's amazing all the things that are solved over a cold beer on a Thursday afternoon. So I raise my glass to my LL ladies. Thank you for all your listening and laughs. Peace Out

Thursday, April 07, 2011

Day 9

It was a trial run...
Four little girls getting ready in the morning. Good lawd they were so excited they got up at 0600!!
So here's the deal, my two girls will be going to a private school in the fall.
Hunne's girls already go there. My school district is on spring break so we came over to this side of town because it is not their break.
The new school wears uniforms so everyone got dressed, pig tails in place and off we went!
It was adorable.
I will take a moment to give myself a pat on the back. No one cried. Not even me. They had their teeth brushed and food in the backpacks. It was a fun dress rehearsal.
The principal and all the teachers were so kind and made a big deal about my girls being visitors. They felt very special.
Check this one off as a good day!

Peace Out

Wednesday, April 06, 2011

Day 8

Family Dinner.
That's what happened tonight.
The ex, our kids, the hunnee, his kids, and the hunnee's parents.
Nine people around the table. Laughing and talking. Eating good food. I even made a cake. Dayum!
It actually felt really normal. Because you see, we really are all connected. This part of my life proves that. We, the world, we are all connected in some way. If it takes me having this kind of life so that my children see and feel that connection, then by gawd I will do it.
Believe me, there are days that my ex and I would rather poke each others eyes out with a sharp stick. But on days like today, when it all works, I feel harmony. Having all those I love around me. I am only in love with one man. The man who gave me my children will always be a part of my life. We are not in love anymore and haven't been for a while. We are really really working at admiration. Friendship I should say. As I have said, I did love him. Those days are over and if I can have more days like the one I had today, I will be a happy woman. Amen!

Peace Out

Tuesday, April 05, 2011

Day 7

How do you discipline your children?
Are you a spanker? yeller? time outer?
I have done all three in my time as a mom. Not so much spanking but I won't pretend I haven't swatted a bum here and there. Time out was huge from about 2 years old and on. Yelling is my first reaction when it's 2 minutes till the bus and no one has their shoes on. That makes me completely insane!!!!!!
I generally have three rules at the house:
Be kind
Be Respectful

As far as I am concerned those three cover everything. If you are doing one of them you are doing all of them. If you are doing all of them you are doing at least one of them (if not all)
I won't allow children to speak to adults as equals. I don't believe children can demand things and order parents around.
Oh don't get me started on whining. I. HATE. WHINING.
Whining will never get what you want in my house. It will however get you in time out.
As my girls get older, I expect more from them. I want them to go out into the world and be well mannered and kind. I want to them to be successful in whatever they do. I hope they get to do what they love. I hope they have love and laughter where ever they go.
For right now my job is to guide them. Bring out them best of what is already inside of them.
My job is to love them. And I do...more than air.

Peace Out

Monday, April 04, 2011

Day 6

Today is the first day of spring break for my girls.
Ahhhhhhhhhhh remember spring break?
I grew up in Texas. Spring break for me was laying out in the back yard, rubbing baby oil and iodine all over, and cooking my skin brown.
Spring Break in Texas meant caravaning down to Padre Island for underage drinking and random acts of stupidity.
This week we are here in Seattle. And it's raining and cold. That's ok because we all got to sleep in and to me, that is worth any sun tanning in the world. Guess I'm getting old...
This week will be made for lazy!!!
The girls and I are going on a ferry boat ride to a sweet little island for a day of playing.
This coming fall the little ladies are attending a new school so we are going to check it out.
We have a rockin 7 year old birthday party!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Happy Birthday McKenna!
Other than that we're chillin like villins!
Having no plans is sometimes good for the soul.

Peace Out

Sunday, April 03, 2011

Day 5

Last night I went to a private school auction. Holy cow! It was so much fun.
I have never been to an auction. I noticed how wisely thye time everything. The biggest smooth move being that the big ticket items come at the end of the night after you've been drinking free wine all night.
With that said....
I'm going to Cabo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anyone care to join?

Peace Out

Saturday, April 02, 2011

Day 4

Precious. So precious.
Have you seen the movie Precious?
My gawd. It's hard to watch. This poor child. She had no chance in this world.
In her own world she was looked down upon. And when I say her own world, I mean her world in Harlem.
She could not read or write. She had a mother who abused her physically and emotionally. A father who raped her and gave her two children, and ultimately HIV. Her mother knew it was going on and let it happen so she wouldn't loose her husband. Yet her spirit was stronger than the people who were trying to hold her down, as if they had a rope round her neck pulling her to hell with them. Misery loves company I suppose.
No child should see or be the victim of any type of abuse. I think we can all agree to that.
When I was a child I saw my mother abused in many ways. I saw a man who she married beat the livin shit out of her. I saw him pounding her head on the floor like she was no better than, well, no better than anything living. I snuck out the window of my bedroom to go get someone to call the police. I was 11 years old. Scared to death. A neighbor called an ambulance. I went to school the next day not knowing if my mother was dead or alive. I was scared her husband would come and get me at school and kill me. When I got home from school my mom was sitting on the couch with black eyes and bruises. Beat to HELL. Her husband vowed to never do it again....ummmm ok.
So for months and months, I would not go to sleep until I knew they were asleep. Sometimes it would be midnight. I thought that if I stayed awake I could call the police quicker if I heard him hitting her again. Have you ever in person heard the sound of a fist hitting another human? It's the sickest sound in the world. It is the sound of my nightmares.
I begged my mother to leave him. But I was 11. What can a 11 year old? We lived in another part of Texas away from my dad whom I had not seen or spoken to in months. I didn't know phone numbers to call. I couldn't tell what friends I had. I had just moved to this new town and didn't really have friends.
I was never hit. But I was abused. I was abused with fear. I was abused by a woman who gave birth to me choosing a man over her own child. Fear was my jail.
Eventually my mom moved on to another asshole, but that's a different blog for a different day.
Today I have no relationship with my mother. For many different reasons. I can't afford her crazy. The cost is too high. Call it self protection.
No child should ever be the recipient or view any abuse.
I am an adult now. Forty four years of adult. But inside of me is an 11 year old who is still scared of sounds in the night. Don't sneak up on me, I will jump out of my skin.
I have succeeded in many ways. I have failed in more. I do not use my childhood as a crutch, but it is part of who I am. It is why I survive. It is why I am hard sometimes. Ok most the time.
My own children do not know this story. Maybe someday. Not today.

So watching the movie Precious, I sat in tears. I cried for the story and I cried for myself. I cried for my mother. I cried for children who know fear and hurt.

Peace Out

Friday, April 01, 2011

Day 3

Last night my family and I were playing Life....the board game.
It was so nice to hop around the board to such pleasant outcomes. The worst thing that could happen was you might have some debt.
This morning I was thinking about it. The game of life is nothing like, Life the game. The game board says nothing about real life.
You don't land on-Your spouse cheated, go straight to therapy. You don't land on-You lost your job due to economy, go to the unemployment line. You don't land on-You have cancer, go straight to chemo. You don't land on-Your child has a learning disability, pay thousands and thousands of dollars to figure it out. You don't land on- A family member has an addiction, go to rehab.
When when land on Get Married, the board doesn't say, sorry you have no one to marry.
I don't think I want to play that game again. My real life seems game enough thank you!

Peace Out