Tuesday, September 27, 2011


OMG....I am so sick of myself at this point. I must purge.....
This last month has been a struggle for me personally. It's so many things balled into one.
September 29, 2006, I had a double mastectomy. Yes. I know, blah blah blah, you keep tellin us that!
But here's the thing, this year is my 5 year mark. I want to act like it's no big deal. Really I do, but as it gets closer, I have come to realize that it is weighing on my mind.
September 29, 2011, I will be 45 years old. The hell you say? I look not a day over 33 you say? Oh reader, you flatter me. Blush....thank you!
So yes, every year my birthday rolls around, I remember to take a moment to be grateful I get to celebrate another year.
This year though it's just sticking in my craw and I can't seem to blow it off. I should because I have a lot going on. I am getting married in 2 weeks. I have a new blended family of 4 girls. I'm busy. Yet I can always find time for a pity party with a glass of whine!
There are days I miss my familiar. I miss my friends on the other side of town. My girls seem to be doing great making new friends. I feel like I am failing miserably. I keep waiting to feel like part of the club, it's just not happening. It's really fucked up at 45 to feel like I can't meet a friend....can some one pour me some more whine?
I was writing to someone today about the twisted feeling one gets after the broohaha of cancer and chemo. One feels lonely. It's really not right to even say. But if I were being honest, and I am, it's true.
So I liken this feeling of loneliness to a difficult time I had after chemo. Everyone loves a fire but no one really wants to stay after the firetruck leaves.
Here at this new school with this new life, my story arrived before I did. Everyone wanted to see the new girl. It felt exciting and fun for me. New school, new house, meeting new friends. But the reality for me has become feeling invisible. Now you see me, now you don't. I'm being such a titty baby.
I should be running down the street in my birthday suit with the bone yard hanging out screaming thank you baby jesus for my charmed life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
uggggg I'm such an asshole that all I do is whine.
This is an ugly blog today, with shameful feelings of being ungrateful for all that I have. 45 lashes with a wet noodle!

Peace Out

Tuesday, September 13, 2011


Ok so yes...I am blogging two days in a row after bitching yesterday that I had no time. Maybe I just needed one blogging session to kick me in the ass and realize how much I miss it. And in a way, blogging is me time. Time when all is quiet and I am not doing laundry.
So I have been thinking a lot lately how invisible I feel. Like a ghost in a room, I swish around bodies. Someone may feel, ever so slightly that something brushed up against them, turning to look at nothing there. I could pick a little pocket here, take a little earring there. I could nibble off someones plate. Why not? I am invisible.
I think that connections with others keep us from disappearing. The human interaction that, as a social kind of gal, I crave.
When I moved to Seattle in '98, I remember I would be in public thinking I would see a familiar face. I was 2300 miles from Texas, but I still searched for the familiar.
We all need contact with other beings. We all want to be seen in the world. I am in a definite transition right now. Going from my comfort zone into unknown faces, uncharted routine.
We never really stop inward growth do we?
For now I will remain invisible, getting to know my new world. The scary thing is, eventually someone will actually see me.

Peace Out

Monday, September 12, 2011

Why I Don't Blog Much

First Day of School 2011

So here are four major reasons I no longer have had time to blog...
This summer was crazy busy. School starting was daunting. But we all did it. 
I have more than once think about how it must feel for my children to move to a new school, because in a way, so have I.
We have all stepped out of our comfort zone. My girls miss their friends and usually routines. Everything they ever knew has changed. They have handled it all with such grace and bravery. And like them, I miss my friends. I know no familiar faces in the school yard. I kinda like to pretend I'm invisible... if only...
I admire these four. Life ahead of them, full of hope and promise. I'm gonna see if they want a playdate after school. 

Peace Out